Riding Mind®

Copyright Lisa Stevens 2006

Equestrian Psychology

Lisa Stevens B.A. (Soc Sci), B.Sc. (Honours), MA. App. Psych. (Sport)

What nobody told you about being the parent of an athlete …

Part 3 – Communication

MOTHERS AND DAUGHTERS (SONS)

‘She won’t tell me anything anymore.’ ‘It doesn’t matter what I say, it is wrong, I just can’t win, and I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t.’ ‘It is all right to provide everything but not OK to expect to be included.’ ‘She is so selfish and moody.’

No doubt we have all heard these laments; maybe we have uttered sentiments such as these ourselves as we cope with a moody athlete. Let’s look a bit closer at what may be really going on. Let us start with that important and tricky relationship, mother and daughter.

Mum has been very involved in the sport with her daughter and so for many years the interaction and daily rhythm of these two has revolved around sport. Mum’s life has been constructed around early morning taxi service, washing dirty sports clothes, making logistical arrangements, weekends taken up with comps, balancing the sport – family budget, adult company mainly other sporting parents, committees for local clubs, volunteering for sport, trips away – sport. And, most importantly mum has had a 24/7 full-time job for over a decade being available for and caring for others. Most mothers agree that being a mother is the most important job they will ever have.

Mum isn’t really annoyed about not talking sport, she is terrified that the relationship with her daughter is fracturing; she is terrified her daughter doesn’t like her. The more mum experiences a growing distance the more anxious she becomes and generally she will up the ante, which the daughter often experiences as more intrusive, more as if her mum does not trust her, as she struggles to reconnect and be closer to her daughter in the only way they have practiced for years, sport!

Here is an adult who has subjugated her life to her daughter, feels she has tried her best and given her all – and now she is getting rolling eyes and tension when she asks questions and proffers advice. Inside this woman is crying, on the outside she is acting in a self-righteous, often highly critical way and playing the martyr in an effort to get her daughter to understand and appreciate her.

It breaks my heart to see a mother and daughter at this impasse, neither are happy, neither are getting what they need from each other, and both are scared of losing the other’s love.

Let us do a retake – this mother–daughter dyad has related predominantly around the topic of sport. It is natural then that most of their interaction is sport related. So, when the daughter gets older and as a normal part of development her need for greater autonomy and privacy kicks in, the daughter will generally begin to want to have more ownership and autonomy regarding her sport life. The years of relating in reference to sport means that a vacuum is created when this topic becomes out of bounds, leaving both feeling estranged from each other. There is usually a lot of guilt and anger on both sides and equally usual are quite a few accusations of selfishness, ungratefulness, controlling, and manipulation. Fear generally drives most of the negative factors in this situation. There is seldom any doubt about how much love there is between these two and often when I comment on the amount of love I observe between a mother and daughter in crisis both spontaneously break down in tears with pain and relief.

Here are two people who love each other dearly but they are divided; by the daughter’s feeling of guilt and anger that mum sees them as selfish and ungrateful, and a feeling that mum only cares about sport and performance not them as an individual; and Mum’s guilt about the quality of parenting they have provided and anger and fear at the feeling of being used and discarded.

So what are some of the steps Mum can take to reunite the pair in a way that allays fears and satisfies the evolving needs of both parties?

1. Talk to the daughter in a compassionate and conciliatory manner regarding how they came to be in this seemingly impossible situation, taking responsibility as an adult about how they came to so narrowly define their points of connection, recognising that as the daughter needs more independence and the mother needs to build a life independent of the daughter, they are going to need to be creative in finding other things to do and talk about together other than sport. This is a gradual process, where each gets to know each other as older adult and new (or evolving) adult. Mum will tell stories of before her daughter’s birth so that the daughter learns to relate to her as a person independent of her role as mother and or wife. This revelation for both is so therapeutic to the daughter in her journey into adulthood and to the mother in remembering and recapturing her identity as an individual beyond the family roles. This process lays the foundation for them to relate to each other as adults in the future.

That mothers experience anxiety when their role as mother is changing is unsurprising. When an athlete’s career ends we expect transitional issues and emotional difficulties, when someone retires we expect there to be a crisis in self-identity because that identity has been built predominantly on, for example, ‘me as athlete’ or ‘me as an accountant’, ‘who am I when this is no longer so, how do I define myself now?’ Think of a mother who has had the job of mothering for a couple of decades. There is no ritual for transition, no gold watch, no sport psychologist. No. Instead it is more likely to be ‘get a life’, and not much in the way of empathy or understanding. Also, let’s face facts; mums are not completely retired to do their own thing.

2. Mum’s job as protector, comforter, and guide alters as the child becomes more independent and self sufficient (by the way, abilities that are the fruit of an effective mum’s labours) but, mums are mums for life so there are things that mums will want (need) to say no matter how old their offspring. Here is a way to fulfil this need in a way that does not undermine your child: ‘As a mother I feel I need to say ... (whatever you need to say)... otherwise I would feel derelict as a mother who loves you and cares about you. As an intelligent young woman (or man) it is your right not to act on what I have said.’ You are giving permission to your child to make their own decisions (important practice for a young person) you are also showing faith and confidence in your child’s ability to make choices, you are leaving them room to think about your advice and take ownership of it if they make that decision. Finally, you are leaving the door open for them to come to you for advice in the future.

3. Start organising non-sport mother–child moments so that you increase quality non-sport interaction. This can be hard when you are both used to sport-only talk, but, bit by bit, you can replace it with much more personally satisfying dialogue. You are both so much more than sport!

CONFLICT RESOLUTION

DO:

1. Be calm

2. Leave blame at the door – if you want to vent then don’t have the talk – wait until you have chilled enough to be a good role model.

3. If you become emotional take time out and explain that it is hard to discuss stuff logically if you are emotional. Explain that your emotions stem from your fears and anxieties not from your child’s behaviour.

You may have noticed that what you are doing is modelling mature adult conflict resolution for your child – this is the real stuff of parenting.

4. Solution oriented – remember the relationship between you is the most important thing.

5. Make talks time-limited – talking is often emotionally draining for both of you. Everything does not need to be solved in this conversation and you want to take the fear out of conflict resolution so that talks are productive and not a horrible event for both of you.

6. Stick to the original issue – avoid kitchen sinking. Most children talk of mums bringing up everything they have ever done wrong which leads to low self-esteem, anger, depression, and anxiety.

7. Take turns in speaking – holding a speaking stick can be effective.

8. Listen to what is said and accept it as a valid feeling no matter what you think, take time to digest and reflect on what you have heard before speaking

9. When you do respond, address the fears, worries and concerns you have heard before stating your point of view. Youngsters then feel heard and are more likely to learn to HEAR you in the future.

10. Be fair, you hold the power EVEN when you feel you don’t.

11. Try not to turn a discussion into a competition … remember it is not a level playing field … you can usually out-manoeuvre a child.

Effective communication assists in all relationships, simple steps, when consistently followed, teach young people good communication skills and help to reduce the anxiety and frustration for all parties. Remember being RIGHT is overrated – having a good relationship is a much more satisfying outcome.

Riding Mind® Equestrian Performance Solutions

Contact Lisa Stevens – B.A. (Soc Sci), B.Sc. (Honours), MA. App. Psych. (Sport)

Professional Services* include: Individual consultations, group seminars, workshops and professional consultations. Issues covered include: High performance management, confidence, competition nerves, focus, relaxation, anxiety, stress, skill aquisition, motivation, burnout, fear, communication and personal/professional development. *Suitable for all levels of rider and coach.

Neurofeedback procedures and concentration training available by appointment Telephone 0413 616 152 PMR CD’s can be purchased by emailing lisa@ridingmind.info or mobile (+61) 0413 616 152