Riding Mind®

Copyright Lisa Stevens 2008

Equestrian Psychology

Lisa Stevens B.A. (Soc Sci), B.Sc. (Honours), MA.App.Psych. (Sport)

Dealing with criticism (yours and others)

Many riders and coaches have difficulty dealing with criticism. Sometimes the criticism comes from another person and sometimes it is self-inflicted. It seems natural to feel angry or hurt when criticised, yet for the trained mind, feeling bad after someone criticises or belittles you is not necessarily a fait accompli. Indeed neither does it follow that it is always right to feel elated if someone praises you.

The danger of automatically feeling negative when criticised or belittled is that by being negative or angry it then stops you being clear headed and can lead to making poor decisions and mistakes (as well as taking any joy out of the moment). There is also a danger that you will become motivated to do things to avoid criticism or gain praise.

To gain freedom from being derailed by criticism it is important to develop a strategy for dealing with such moments. The strategy I use with athletes, coaches and other high performers is adapted in part from the book The Leaders Way written in collaboration by the Dalai Lama and Laurens Van Den Muyzenberg (2008).

Strategy to deal with others’ criticism of you

When someone criticises or belittles you, ask the following questions:

• What is the motivation of the person who is belittling me?

• Is the person competent to hold an opinion?

• Is the opinion justified?

Then:

• If the opinion is justified there is something to learn and one can take action, e.g. explain you made a mistake, make a plan to do things differently next time, rectify the problem, etc.

• If the opinion is not justified, explain why.

• If the other person is acting out of malice, see this as an opportunity to test your ability to stay calm without any negative emotions like anger. Their reaction will depend on what conclusion their refection leads to – that is for them, it is not your problem.

When someone praises you, the same process should be followed:

• What is the motivation of the person who is praising me?

• Is the praise being given by someone who understands what has been accomplished? Is their judgment valuable?

• Or do they want to please, or worse flatter, because they desire something in return?

The right objective or motivation is not avoiding criticism or getting praise – the objective is to do the right thing.

Strategy for dealing with your criticism of you

Perfectionism and self criticism

Many hard-working, diligent students and coaches aspire to be perfect. They are often extremely hard on themselves in the belief that only by being their own harshest critic will they succeed. However, this can be taken way too far and all or nothing perfectionistic thinking is usually more of a hindrance to performance than a help. This type of thinking is known as a ‘cognitive distortion’. The result of this type of distorted thinking includes:

• Increased pressure and an inability to cope with the normal ups and downs of riding.

• Loss of feel in riding.

• Increased conflict with horses and the tendency to overreact to small errors.

• Over emotionality.

• Decrease in fluent, relaxed performance.

• Unhappiness, stress, anxiety, poor performance, choking.

Perfectionists are generally overly judgmental of themselves and pay too much attention to what other people may think of them. Their low tolerance for errors is difficult for their horses and frequently for those around them (who often despair of how to help them enjoy their riding). Another problem with perfectionists’ ‘all or nothing’ thinking of either ‘it is perfect’ or ‘it’s a disaster’, is that even the smallest mistake can ruin their day and can impair subsequent performances.

Criticism and harsh judgment of us, by us, has much the same adverse consequences as negatively reacting to criticism from others and consequently can be dealt with in a similar way.

So, when you criticise or belittle yourself, ask the following questions:

• What is your motivation?

• Are you competent to hold the opinion?

• Is your opinion rationally justified?

Now consider the following responses to the three questions and ask yourself if any of them hold true for you?

What is your motivation? In my experience, people who are overly critical have a range of dubiously useful motivations such as: self-fulfilling negative images of themselves, self-sabotage, the masochistic need to berate themselves, having a self-pity party to gain attention or sympathy, chucking a tantrum, indulging in a sulk fest, etc. These habits are usually learnt from highly critical adults from the past and are not even slightly useful in high performance or the quest for a happy life.

Are you competent to hold the opinion? Those whose judgment is clouded by frustration, anger, shame, humiliation, disappointment, envy and annoyance cannot be considered competent until they settle down and become calm. So obviously you cannot be competent until you calm down.

Is your opinion rationally justified? Given that people are not rational when their thinking is clouded by frustration, anger, shame, humiliation, disappointment, envy and annoyance, then your opinion of your performance is not going to be rationally justified.

Therefore, it is imperative that you first calm down and then, once you have achieved calmness and have become competent and rational, you can decide on the action to take:

1. If the opinion is justified there is something to learn and one can take action, e.g. explain to yourself that you made a mistake, then make a plan to do things differently next time, rectify the problem, etc.

2. If the opinion is not justified, explain to yourself why.

3. If you are acting out of frustration, anger, shame, humiliation, disappointment, envy, annoyance or malice, see this as an opportunity to test your ability to stay calm without any negative emotions like anger.

Rational performers with trained minds learn to take note of what they do right because these are the behaviours they want to repeat. Rational performers with trained minds learn to take note of their errors but do not get emotional about them; instead they notice, find solutions and make the appropriate corrections. As the silver medal-winning Australian basketball team, the Opals, said in Beijing, ‘play with passion not emotion’.